Awareness Campaigns

In honour of the Adopt4Life FASD Campaign, I decided to ask my daughter some questions about FASD so we can have a voice of a youth.

A brief history of the development of the Fetal Alcohol Resource Program (FARP).

Four stories about the importance of Peer Support Groups.

I remember sitting there around a table full of professionals, all staring at me, quiet and empathetic. Out of the silence I was asked, “How do you feel?” and my answer… I felt heard.

My thoughts and feelings about FASD basically can be summed up like this: recall the saying, “a person who wears many hats”—well that's how my son appears.

A letter to my dear son living with FASD.

So that is the truth from the trenches… and where I am at on this journey with advocating. This is a tough journey… really only understood by those living it day in and day out. I hope that maybe, just maybe by next September, we will see communities and agencies planning events for families and really helping families celebrate how AMAZING they are!

Although the diagnosis caused me to experience deep feelings of grief and sadness, along with fear and trepidation, the diagnosis also brought me great relief. I finally understood the why of so many issues we have faced over the years.

We both shared the experience of attachment that occurs during feeding, and our daughter could connect closely with both of us as she came to view us both as people who could be depended on to care for and comfort her when she needs it most.

The beauty is in a mother’s desire to give her baby the best she can give, and that goes way beyond the ways we choose to feed our babies.

Leading up to World Breastfeeding Week 2018, Adopt4Life had the pleasure and privilege of speaking with Alyssa Schnell, MS, IBCLC, author of Breastfeeding Without Birthing: A Breastfeeding Guide for Mothers Through Adoption, Surrogacy, and Other Special Circumstances and co-host of the Breastfeeding Outside the Box podcast. We could not be more thrilled to share the blog she wrote for Ontario’s Adoptive Parent Community on ‘Debunking Common Myths about Adoptive Breastfeeding’ in support of Adopt4Life’s World Breastfeeding Week Awareness campaign.

My advice to mother’s to be, both adoptive and biological, if I may, is to embrace who you are, just as you are and to put the Breastfeeding debate aside, choose what is right for you and for your infant. Choose to nourish your child(ren) with love, laughter and light, as you breast or bottle feed and I can attest to the fact that will be just fine!

So, to all the moms and dads out there who have made the decision to bottle feed—for whatever reason, please know that you are not alone. May our babies be fed, loved and nourished.

It's ok to make mistakes, it's ok that you sometimes need to spend more time with your other child. We may not understand it as children, but we will, and we know your love for all of us surpasses any diagnoses.

An Ode to ADHD.

To the anxious, judgmental mom beside me.

I’ve learned that my sense of humour helps me to survive those rather difficult situations (among many other parenting moments!) and that the best I can do is to educate, advocate and support.

These words which I will never forget were etched into the wooden bathroom cupboards by our teenage daughter who had been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

We felt isolated and misunderstood as parents, because we wouldn’t just ‘make’ her do things, go places or see people. I finally found an organization called Parents for Children’s Mental Health (PCMH) that offered support and a listening ear. Talking with other parents who were experiencing the same things as me drastically reduced my feelings of isolation and shame.

It doesn’t work to force your vision of a happy family on a child, we all know this in theory. This piece may only relate to teens, but I think it takes some trial and error and work-shopping to figure out the attachment piece; not every child needs the same thing.

My experience of being an adoptive parent for 18 years has been many things, not the least of which, a journey of self-reflection, humility and objectivity. It has required me to look through the lens of my daughter’s eyes, in situations from the mundane to the complex, in an attempt to imagine how she feels about it all. I can never know.

At the beginning of our adoption journey, we had a very specific idea of what our family would look like, and how we would handle parenting challenges.

For the first 2 years of my son being home, I thought we had dodged the whole, “attachment issues” bullet. It seems that I was wrong…

Whether or not to breastfeed is a very personal decision for both biological and adoptive mothers. In my opinion the feelings of both the mother and child need to be respected in making a decision either way.

Read, learn, experience, try things out and put aside anything that isn’t working for you. You will figure it out and become a stronger family for discovering your own best ways of doing things together.

Read, learn, experience, try things out and put aside anything that isn’t working for you. You will figure it out and become a stronger family for discovering your own best ways of doing things together.

Attachment takes work. Playing, attuning, and connecting in moments of good behaviour is easy. Staying connected in moments of undesirable behaviour—not so much. In fact, without compassion, I find it nearly impossible.

In private adoption, a potential birthmother has a month after her baby's birth to consider this most monumental decision of her life.

When we were matched with our children, we were informed that they had continued openness with their siblings. We were nervous (mostly because we didn’t know much) yet excited. Our children, from the day we met them, they were so excited to share that they had brothers.

Ultimately, weaving valued connections into the fabric of family creates a more textured and interesting life, and contributes to our children's identities and sense of belonging in the world.

A quote about supporting heritage, from an A4L Community Member.

Never did we imagine the level of openness we have but now we couldn’t imagine it any other way.

While we unfortunately are not able to have openness with our children’s birth parents at this time, we are fortunate to have a beautiful relationship with the person who raised them over quite a long period of time. She made the transition home seamless, teaching us how to follow the kids’ lead and emotions, and helping us learn routines.

People ask us things like, “Is it hard for you, seeing his biological family?” No, not at all. For me, personally, it has never been weird or difficult, and maybe I have been lucky in that regard. But, does it really matter if it was? We have this relationship for Cooper, so in my opinion, my personal feelings are really quite irrelevant.

Adopting parents must be prepared to make similarly difficult choices. They must risk devastating emotional disappointment by preparing for a single child’s arrival in their lives.

I am so grateful for Adopt4Life and I'm trusting that what its members tell me is true. In the long run this will benefit our kids and I've even been told we will love our third family and all they offer eventually. For now, its hard, its awkward but I’m getting there.

I would recommend to anyone raising children with FASD and without to expose them to lots of people with various disabilities. Have honest conversations about why the rules and expectations may differ from child to child. Get the siblings involved in awareness initiatives. Foster a respect and curiosity about the brain. It turns out, brains are really, really cool.

As more and more information becomes available about Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, it is sometimes hard to understand what type of impact FASD can have on a person. However, I can tell you from my own children, it is not a scary diagnosis, it is just part of who they are.

Fast forward to today, and I find myself thinking of that old wooden coaster more often than you’d think. Together with my husband, we’re raising three children by adoption, including two young boys who live with FASD (as well as developmental trauma and a myriad of co-existing diagnoses). And with that, we all live with FASD and the roller coaster feelings that it brings to our lives.

And if I were in a movie, I wouldn’t be a person anyway. I’d be a cat--that cat that sits on your keyboard when you’re trying to work. Or the one that tries to jump on the counter, and just ends up knocking stuff off instead... I have FASD and here’s a day in my life.

I feel like I am making a significant difference in the lives of those also affected by FASD by speaking up and not trying to repress it. Knowledge should be shared to combat stigma. Society should be open to understanding differences and realize behaviours are symptoms of a needed environmental change.

Being in care is the best and the worst possible thing that could happen to someone in the LGBTQ+ community.

For our children, adoption has altered their lives in the best way possible. We strongly believe that older children need to be given more rights and a stronger voice in their families of origin prior to apprehension and later within the public system. As a family, we will continue to advocate for the revolutionary changes needed.

It is 2017 and there should be no more stigma or fear of what is beyond your control, including who you choose to love or make family.

“But having a Mom and Dad is more natural, isn’t it?” There it was, the dreaded “N Word”...Ask yourself the question—roses are normally red but does that make the blue rose any less beautiful or worthy of a place to bloom?

Now, for most adopted youth this idea is ironic, it was ironic even for me. The state of lasting unchanged, indefinitely. It must be a joke because only "normal" kids get that.

We are capable of changing the world; we just need people who believe in us.

Unfortunately this work isn’t something I can put on my resume, but despite all the residual “what-ifs”, building permanency for a child is the greatest work I’m going to do in my lifetime!

Not everyone is lucky, not everyone gets a forever family, and the unconditional love that comes along with it; and for those who never do, they wait and wait until it finally sinks in that it is never happening.

As a parent I am passionate about, and dedicated to, facilitating an open culture that allows for my child’s cultural heritage and history to be instilled in him throughout his life. I want to make sure that my son has a strong sense of self and of cultural identity. This is an important and critical aspect of our family life which we remain dedicated to.

I want to make sure that any family adopting a First Nation, Métis or Inuit child feels supported. That they feel like they can attend the powwow and cultural events and feel welcome. For this reasons I attend powwows, ceremonies and other cultural activities with the families.

Although I had learned in PRIDE training about the importance of providing cultural food, music, experiences, and role models, I had never heard anyone talk about how you have to learn about racism to parent a child of another race.

There’s the scary question that I’ve been asking myself since PRIDE, where we were all made to consider our cultures and how they may differ from our adopted children.

If asked what aboriginal children and youth in care need from a foster or adoptive family, I would have to say they need a family that is loving and compassionate... A family that can give them a sense of belonging while at the same time a sense of identity by making sure they have people in their life who can help them learn the teachings and ceremonies and who they are as the original people.

Adoptive parents and families need support. We need to be able to access these supports in the moment. Professionals can help in many ways but they go home at night. We are living this.

Kids need families and families need support.

~ Adoption Council of Ontario ('Kids Deserve a Family' Adoption Awareness campaign 2014)

Families are the cornerstone of our society. Families raise our children and build our communities. As families succeed, Canada succeed.

~ His Excellency, Governor General David Johnson, Throne Speech 2013

Post adoption peer support is an invaluable way to help adoptive families succeed

By every measure, children adopted from care have better outcomes than children who age out.

~ Dave Thomas Foundation for adoption

Parent2Parent support can increase the likelihood of permanency for children from care.

La longue attente avant de devenir une famille adoptive en bonne et due forme est l’un des défis les plus durs que nous ayons eu à relever. On se fait à l’idée de n’avoir personne à qui parler ou à qui demander de l’aide. Nous n’aurions jamais pu nous en sortir sans l’aide de la communauté d’Adopt4Life. Ils nous ont épaulés à chaque étape – pendant l’attente, le choix de notre enfant, la phase de transition et finalement comme parents.

En tant que nouveaux parents adoptifs, nous nous sommes souvent sentis indignes.

J’ai toujours cru que « la question n’était pas de savoir si ça peut être fait, mais plutôt COMMENT ce doit être fait ». En tant que nouveaux parents, nous avons pu nous tourner en tout temps vers le réseau de soutien d’Adpot4Life. Grâce à eux, nous avons pu exprimer nos préoccupations et par ricochet apporter du soutien aux autres. Merci pour toute l’aide fournie pour accueillir le nouveau membre de notre famille!

J’aurais tellement aimé savoir qu’Adopt4Life existe lorsque nous avons suivi notre cours PRIDE. Le temps qui s’écoule entre l’approbation et l’arrivée d’un enfant à la maison est bien difficile. Cette communauté nous a fait réaliser que nous ne sommes pas seuls à vivre ces émotions. Maintenant nous avons deux enfants avec nous à la maison et nous poursuivons le processus d’adoption et je m’aperçois que je fais appel à Adopt4Life de plus en plus souvent.

Every child and youth needs a forever family that provides support, unconditional love and a safe loving home.

~ Mary Ballantyne, Executive Director OACAS

Parent2Parent support can help every child and youth have the unconditional love and safe loving forever home they need and deserve.

Adoptive families bring to their children and youth an open heart and a willingness to do a lot of hard work, but they cannot (nor should they) do it alone.

~ Adoption Council of Ontario ('Kids Deserve a Family' Adoption Awareness campaign 2014)

Children don’t need perfect parents, just one or two loving individuals willing to make a lifetime commitment to their children.

We see a province where all children have the chance to have a safe, loving permanent family.

~ Raising Expectations of the Expert Panel on Fertility and Adoption, Ontario 2009

February 26, 2016

Pouvoir se tourner vers d’autres familles adoptives qui ont des enfants ayant des besoins spéciaux m’a permis d’avoir accès à des ressources et à des services dont j’ignorais l’existence. Avoir à sa disposition des gens compréhensifs est inestimable dans ce grand défi que représente l’adoption d’un enfant.

C’est une job à temps plein. Nous avons adopté nos enfants à un très jeune âge, et tous sans le diagnostic nous disant que nous avions des enfants ayant des besoins spéciaux.

Sans les relations et le soutien de parents adoptifs de notre région, nous n’aurions pas été en mesure de répondre aux besoins de nos enfants. Nous espérons qu’un jour ce genre de service sera offert à toutes les familles adoptives de l’Ontario.

« Faites de moi une personne normale! » Quand je suis devenue mère adoptive, j’ai réalisé rapidement que les embûches étaient bien plus grandes que je pensais. L’amour ne suffisait malheureusement pas toujours.

Je suis une mère adoptive célibataire et j’ai réalisé très vite que j’avais besoin de quelqu’un à qui parler.

Adopt4Life is an organization that has filled a huge need in our adoption community. As an adoption professional working in the field for over three decades, I am relieved to know that we now have somewhere to send our pre adoptive and post adoptive families.

Je suis une mère adoptive célibataire et j’ai réalisé très vite que j’avais besoin de quelqu’un à qui parler.

It all begins with an idea.